Your community: your strongest resource

The Amish Way

When I was growing up I was always surrounded by my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  My grandparents had been raised Amish, but had become Mennonite.  My mom and her eight brothers and sisters were raised Mennonite.  None of them remained with the Mennonite church into adulthood, but our family retained many of the values of these close-knit communities.

We were always helping each other with something.  My uncles came and helped my dad put a new roof on our house one year.  Another year we helped my aunt and uncle paint their house.  My grandpa, a mechanic, changed the oil in our cars.  My cousin, a beautician, gave us hair cuts and perms at a reduced cost.  My aunts would come over and help my mom paint and hang wallpaper.  We also helped each other with canning and preserving the produce of our large gardens.

Take the Time to Cultivate your Community

When I was growing up I thought everyone had this supportive community that helped each other and shared their talents.  It was a shock to me when I met people who would never ask for help.  It was also a shock when I learned that so many people don't even know their neighbors.  I have found that my neighbors and the members of my community are a resource in so many ways.

I moved away from my home town almost 20 years ago, so I'm no longer able to give and receive help from my family, but in every neighborhood where I've lived since, my spouse and I have enjoyed a close relationship with our neighbors that transcends age, background, race, socio-economic status, and sexual orientation.  By cultivating these connections and interdependence, you can have a richer life in every sense of the word.

Be Willing to Give

First and foremost, if you want to create a community of interdependence, you have to be willing to give with no expectation of receiving anything.  For example, our next door neighbors have a daughter who is the same age as ours, and the girls go to school together.  Before we moved into the neighborhood, our neighbors would have to pay a babysitter or "aftercare" at school to take care of their daughter from 3:30 to 6 p.m. on school days.  After we moved in, I offered to take care of their daughter along with my own, as I was home from work in time to get the girls off of the bus.  My neighbors generously offered to pay me for taking care of their daughter, but I would not accept payment.  It was a pleasure and a privilege to care for their daughter.  My daughter, an only child, enjoyed her company, as did I.  In addition, my daughter was happily occupied after they had done their homework, and I was able to use that time to make dinner or just to relax after a long day at work.  When my neighbors would thank me, I would thank them earnestly in return because I really felt they were doing ME a favor!

Be Willing to Take

Over time circumstances have changed, and our neighbors no longer need us to watch their daughter in the afternoons because one of them is usually home when she gets off the bus.  But we have developed an interdependence that makes all of our lives easier.  We take turns taking the girls to school in the morning.  If either my neighbor or I is not going to be home in time to meet the bus in the afternoon, we can text each other and ask if our daughter can stay with her friend until we get home.  When our daughters are involved in the same activity, we can share rides.  Now we not only have a satisfying relationship with our neighbors, but all of us have benefited financially as well, as none of us have to pay for aftercare or the extra gas for duplicate trips.

Don't Worry about Coming out Even

My best friend when I was growing up was an only child, and she was so concerned about making everything "fair" that when she poured us drinks she would carefully pour the drinks from glass to glass until they were exactly even.  I don't know if it was because I had two younger sisters, or because I had come from this family where we shared and didn't care about "fairness", but I always thought this leveling was unnecessary.

A member of a different part of my family reminds me of this childhood friend.  She never wants to owe anyone anything, even the return of a favor from her own daughter.  To me this is tragic in so many ways.  By doing things for each other we recognize our interdependence, we build strong bonds, and we are not alone in our time of need.

Besides the obvious financial benefits these strong community bonds also keep us healthier.*  Specifically, doing good for others makes us happier.**  So, as long as you don't feel that someone is taking advantage of your good will, the more you can give of yourself, the more benefit you receive.

*http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2006938,00.html
**http://www.actionforhappiness.org/10-keys-to-happier-living/do-things-for-others/details